” I Hate people” While grabbing some coffee with a friend theses words slipped out of my mouth. I really wanted to know where these words came from and if they were an early indicator I was starting to cycle back into depressive state. But, before I jump to far ahead this was 5 days ago and I want to share with you how this weekend changed my perspective.
Beep-Beep-Beep. Waking up to the sound of the typical work day I was agitated as well as thoroughly annoyed; I had forgotten to turn off my alarm clock. It was Saturday morning with zero motivation I tried everything to ignore my phone. Only for the fear of being sucked into someone elses plans and I just wanted to be alone.The typical “On the Brightside” guy I usually am had taken a holiday. My thoughts were this “if I just told someone I loved them, all of my problems would go away.” However, there was literally no one I wanted to tell it to. Dissecting my own motives I realized that someone I wanted to be able to love was myself. This threw a wrench into my original plan for the rest of the afternoon and I impulsively manage to push myself to go for a jog. I had intended to go by myself, but on the way out the door I was stopped in my tracks by a friend getting out of there car. I should mention now I had been ignoring this person for about week. Not intentionally that is… If you have followed me for anytime you already know, I have a hard time keeping relationships together.
Feeling attached to others outside of my reach is a mental weight. Even on here there is only few people I have commented on that follow me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you reading my things. It’s just my writing is so close apart of me I am not searching for approval. I feel that I am risking everything everytime I do a post like this because you really don’t know me if you don’t read my blog.
About an hour and a half later we had jogged to the trail head. I immediately suggested we might kick it up a notch and run. I noticed about 5 minutes in he had dropped back and actually slowed down to a walk. Doing what sounded fun and more towards bad friend territory I kept running. Little did I know what was ahead. About 4 miles into the trail I waited for about a half hour and wondered if he went back. Taking my phone from my camelpak I noticed the battery was almost dead from listening to music. I turned off the music to save the battery and I was unsure if he even had his phone. I decided to keep going only because with the sun going down I was not prepared to be on the trail at night. With the wind increasing by the minute it seemed like the sky had gone instantly black.6 Miles in the sun had completely set and there was still 4 miles to go. The wind was now working against me and the rain pelted my skin leaving spots. I suffer from Reynods its a circulation disorder I will put a link here if you want to learn about it.
Long story short I was in tears when I finally made it to the end of the trail and waited an hour in a Porter Potty for my friend to show up. My phone was dead and he was furious because he did know how long the trail was I had gotten him into. but once he saw my hands and realized my fingers were changing color. He panicked trying to help me warm them and immediately called someone who lived nearby for a ride to pick us up.
I wanted to prove I was worthy of being alive. The day was scary and it was a dangerous experience but I found part of myself the last 4 miles. I know this post is longer than normal so thank you for the read. -Luke
LOVE LIFE, BREATH DEEP AND BEFORE YOU LET GO JUST KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE!